Skills to live well: Accepting Impermanence
Accepting impermanence can help us live more flexibly.
Notice for a moment how everything is constantly moving and changing: thoughts, breath, movement, feelings, itches, sensations of hunger, the weather. This is the concept of impermanence.
Impermanence is considered a fundamental principle of existence according to the Buddhist tradition. It explains that both our inner world and outer world are in constant flux. Everything will inevitably change in both positive and negative ways. This is a fundamental truth. The struggle comes when we become preoccupied with keeping our life in a static state where we grasp onto things we like and avoid things that are unpleasant.
When I first learned about the concept of impermanence, it gave me hope that painful moments will not last forever and that moments of relief may follow. It gave me permission to let go unrealistic expectations that I have to keep myself, my relationships and career, in a permanent state of happiness, success, and good health, which was impossible to maintain. It helped me understand that good things are not meant to last forever.
This post explains how accepting that everything is impermanent can enable us to live through the peaks and troughs of life with more psychological flexibility.
The need for permanence
As human beings, we find comfort in having some degree of permanence and predictability in our jobs, relationships, mental state, and environments. Permanence gives us a sense of security and familiarity, and helps us feel in control. Therefore, the idea of impermanence may feel uncomfortable because it triggers loss and uncertainty and it requires that we adapt to a new reality.
We are also biased in wanting things to change in a particular direction; we are primed to avoid pain so we prevent negative things from happening and to hold on to positive things that make us feel good. For instance, we want the good feelings of receiving praise and recognition, feeling close to someone, and being on holiday, to last.
The reality of impermanence
A vision of a fully controlled life where we expect ourselves and others to be in a constant state of bliss is an illusion. It contradicts the reality that problems are an inevitable part of life and that nothing is static. Whether we like it or not:
The thrill of getting good feedback fades away
Our body ages, wrinkles, and dies
Flowers start to wilt
Time passes and the seasons change
Our mood goes up and down
We feel close to loved ones and other times distanced
Children grow older and leave home
We lose or leave jobs
People we love die
The world goes through periods of turmoil and peace
Some of these changes can be really hard to accept right? Especially when we lose things that we care about.
Sometimes we try to regain what was lost. Certain things are within our control to change and taking responsibility for this can be a compassionate act especially it is in line with our values. For instance, we may try to repair a rupture in a relationship or regain our fitness and health through changes in diet and exercise and visiting our doctor. Accomplishing these things can leave us feeling satisfied and fulfilled and it is important to fully savour these feelings...while they last. Again our feelings will pass and our body and relationships will continue to change.
If we try to control everything, whilst denying how our reality is changing, then we are going to be disappointed and suffer. For instance, if we experience a physical injury but we expect our body to function as it did before, then we will suffer and our body will suffer. We cannot avoid change whether it is positive or negative and holding on to ‘sameness’ can cause us to fear change and leave us disempowered when facing it.
The Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh explains that:
“Impermanence does not necessarily lead to suffering. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”
What can we gain by accepting the concept of impermanence?
We learn to savour and appreciate the wonderful parts of life as they occur in the present moment, whilst having the wisdom that we cannot cling on to them because they will change, things will end, people will die.
We expect that good things will end. This leaves us more prepared to deal with the natural loss, disappointment, and fears that arise when good moments pass.
We expect that bad moments will not last forever and periods of panic and distress will not necessarily dominate our whole day because they will change. The next moment may be more painful or moderately painful, it may be funny or neutral. Knowing this can give us the resilience to keep going.
We learn to see that thoughts are temporary phenomena and we can let them come and go. We do not need to attach ourselves to unhelpful thoughts (e.g., I am a failure) to the point that they define our identity and control how we act.
We remember that emotions are fluid and will not last forever. We do not need to fear them. We can learn to recognise and acknowledge when they show up, take the helpful messages from them, tolerate the emotional wave until it passes, and regulate them with compassion.
We understand that our mind and body can have both 'good' days and ‘off’ days. We can be patient when we have periods of negative and low energy whilst giving ourselves permission to feel frustrated or disappointed by this. Then we can celebrate moments when our body is re-energised and our mind regains stability, focus, and balance.
We understand that relationships are not static as both partners and their circumstances are always changing. Letting go of this expectation can reduce our fear of things being different and allow us to be more open to positive and negative changes which can actually be conducive to relationship growth and connection.
We develop a different relationship with change as we know it was bound to happen and we may face its challenges more readily. We may still not like change and find it hard and simultaneously see that it can sometimes be a wake-up call that we need.
Final thoughts as we move into the next moment
Accepting that everything is impermanent can be difficult. Impermanence is about change and with every change comes some form of ending, death or loss, even if the change is a good one. This can hurt and we do not have to like it. At the same time, opening ourselves up to this concept can be freeing and enable us to live more fully and flexibly as our health, relationships, emotions, thoughts, environment, and body inevitably change. We can make the most of the good moments while they last, adjust more easily to the lows as they arise, and embrace the good moments when they return.
If this moment is hard, remember that this moment will pass.
We don’t know whether the next moment may be a bad or a good moment.
What we know is that it will change.
